Polygamy is not Codependency

Is Polygamy Attractive to Women? In A Personal Ad we presented a hypothetical personal ad. A few readers were upset with the promise No more loneliness, no more insecurity.

Their objection went something like this -- "The idea that I need anyone in my life to be happy makes me angry."

I respectfully disagree. I'll let Dr. Marion Solomon, author of Lean On Me, speak for me --

Our need for each other is profound -- and profoundly normal. We all depend on other people to help us define who we are. Our doubts, fears, and vulnerabilities bind us as surely as do our strengths and talents. Dependency is not a dirty word.
For two million years we've been living tribally in low-level warfare, where being alone meant being dead. Even today, it's well established that infants who are held and touched prosper, and that the elderly who live with others outlive those who don't.

"The idea that I need anyone in my life to be happy makes me angry." Where does this anger come from? Wounds from a previous relationship? Why not "I don't understand why you think I need anyone in my life to make me happy." ?

Despite the cultural icon of the Marlboro man, riding off alone (well, on a horse) into the sunset, we are not, and cannot be independent. Nor are we by nature codependent. We are by nature interdependent.

Let's take a look at an extreme example. For two summers, I attended a camp at the John Woolman school, a well-known Quaker boarding school in Grass Valley, California. At that time the Quakers (who call themselves Friends) were fierce proponents of independence. Students came to the school to learn animal husbandry, horticulture, house building, cooking, sewing, and even how to make their own pottery. Their library was full of copies of the book Five Acres and Independence, promoting the idea that a family of four could live off the grid and provide for all their needs on five acres of good land.

Over the years, the Quakers have realized that these families would naturally specialize, for example, some working with leather and others with metal, and would become interdependent traders. They changed their curriculum to reflect this insight, replacing animal husbandry and horticulture with biology and chemistry.

The same dynamic happens naturally in every human relationship. One partner likes to cook, another likes to repair the house. Interdependence is stronger than either codependence or independence.

Consider the word lonely. It means "I'm sad because I'm alone." Think of it! We have a word, and therefore a belief, that there is a relationship between sadness and aloneness. We have no such word for "I'm happy because I'm alone." All the languages I've studied, except Swedish, distinguish between alone and lonely. Maybe that's why the Swedes make such good explorers

posted by Martin at 12:05 PM

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